Recently Gretchen Kelly wrote a piece called
The Thing All Women Do That You Don't Know About. It perfectly describes a female conditioning that begins when we are very young and are faced uncomfortable male attention time and time again. It often starts quietly. A man shows or states their interest in us sexually and when we respond with a polite no, we are hit with a volley back of verbal insults. threats, and sometimes an angry physical response. Any or all of this can be terrifying.
In my mid 20s I was walking to work in the morning and passed a construction crew. One man started yelling at me as I approached the work sight. I ignored him but rather than just stop shouting at me, he screamed even more vulgar things. I finally stopped and told him to stop shouting at me. I was furious, insulted, and it ended with me yelling an obscenity back at him while giving him the finger. This flipped his switch. I went from being an object of desire to a bitch. He proceeded to follow me a block screaming insults about my stinking private parts, circling me, and ended his tirade with a shove and the statement that " I was trying to do you a favor you ****, even ugly girls need to feel pretty!"
After enough of these kinds of exchanges I was conditioned to deal with people like this as passively as possible. I became skilled at disarming bombs. I did not want to draw attention to the situation. I didn't make eye contact. I quickly crossed streets away from them. I began wearing headphones to block their comments out completely until one day a man grabbed them off my head to tell me I had a nice ass while groping it. Most city women know what it is like to have a man on a crowded train pinned next to you rub his erection on you and / or play with himself through his pockets. Insanely these run-ins become a normal day in a big city. Women learn to silently go about our business after each of these awful events. Rather than face confrontation we learn how to get to a safer situation and brush off these men. I am not saying this is always the correct way to handle these moments but when you are trying to get to school or work or home, sometimes all you want to do is arrive in one piece and get through your day without a scene.
I have lived in cities my entire adult life and when you walk everywhere these exchanges happen more often than not. In fact, so often that all the yelling and occasional groping stops being something I told friends, family, or co-workers about. These were my depressing secrets and I am no less relieved to learn that I am not alone in carrying this burden.
None of this however prepared me for the flip switch with men I knew well. This situation becomes a thousand times more complicated when it is a "friend" or acquaintance who puts you in this position. There is also a circle of mutual friends around the two of you to add extra layers of drama. Your home or shared spaces become tainted by the nightmare of harassment. What should be a cut and dry "no thank you" situation can grow destructive tentacles and end friendships, divide a group of friends, or in my case, kill a band.
Life experiences had prepared me for random sexist attitudes towards the things I did however I was not prepared for that kind of call to come from inside my house. Playing music with others is a sacred, family bond to me. I understand it isn't like this for everyone but as someone who does not have much family, I take my band family very seriously and extend to them a great deal of respect and kindness. They become my brothers and sisters. Not once but several times different band members crossed the line with me. They misunderstood our band chemistry for a sexual chemistry and when I replied with a thoughtful but firm "NO", each time I punished for my choice. Either I was pushed out of the band for being a problem member for some random made up thing that didn't exist before I said no or I was cut out from their life completely. In all cases the band ended and our friendships dissolved. Each time I felt like was part of a hit and run crime scene.
These situations were never discussed with the rest of the band and I rarely talked about it with friends. I mistakenly carried guilt (as so often victims do) for somehow leading them on when this was never the case. It was easier to be blackballed than face the stress of trying to explain to everyone around us what really happened. I feared harsh judgement from people who may not believe me or fully grasp the situation. I understand these men felt embarrassed for misreading our band chemistry and had bruised egos but I regret that I was the one who always felt like it was a dirty secret I should be ashamed of. Only one of these men has apologized to me over the years and in turn has been welcomed back into my life. Neither my creative relationship or friendship has been recovered with the others. These have become permanent scars I have had to live with.
It takes courage to openly discuss hurt feelings when a come-on is not reciprocated. As a younger person, I was not that brave. I did not want to stir the pot and in turn chose the no less kinder route of being pushed out and cut off. I always moved on, continued to make music, but have felt haunted by these past run ins even after all these years. I would very much like to spare others from this experience and offer others encouragement to speak up and out.
I now better understand now how band member wires can get crossed. When you play in a very active touring band together, you spend a lot of time in cramped quarters with one another. Hell, you might even have to share a bed in a hotel room when all you can afford is one room with two twin beds. You live and breathe these people daily. You share. You talk. You occasionally touch. There is a genuine connection and communication that happens between band members and for some people that exciting click can get confused for something more. Band dedication merges with personal dedication. I think it is important to stress that this is not strictly a male to female disconnect as it can go both ways. Misunderstandings and big feelings happen but it is how each of you handle it that is key.
No two relationships are the same and this is absolutely true for the dynamic between band members. Each situation and person is different and my philosophy on how to handle this has become my personal philosophy as well. The people I have let into my world are treated with love, compassion, respect, and an open mind. I am not perfect and I do not expect others to be either. I do however expect to be treated well in return. I believe you can say just about anything to a friend if it is stated in a thoughtful and kind manner (hence our band name Positive No).
If there are feelings of any kind that fall outside of playing music together that need to be discussed, I recommend doing so with a clear head. I do not suggest getting drunk and gushing emotions that may not be worded as carefully as you might sober. This is important stuff to talk about openly and honestly. You don't want anything to cloud judgement and further muddy communication. Hormones are distracting enough as it is.
There is no right way for this situation to play out. If you are both consenting adults who want to try to date while in a band together, good luck with that! It can work but you need to remain mindful of the rest of the band who has to play music and tour with a couple. Trust me, as a person approaching year seven of dating a band member (we were dates first, band members second), it is not easy task and could / should be an article in itself.
If you have fallen for a band member and can't hide your feelings any longer, be thoughtful about your next step. Before making a blind pass, think before you act. I know this is easier said than done, especially in a culture of late nights and party-like atmospheres. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. If approached correctly, a band member who is not interested in dating will take it all in stride and the band will carry on as normal. The harder part might be dusting yourself off and letting your ego take a hit.
Lastly if there is a band member who approaches you in a way that feels wrong, uncomfortable, or inappropriate, speak up immediately. The first responsibility is for you to take care of you and let this other person know they have crossed a line with you. A real friend and band member will back off and honor your feelings. No band is worth feeling unsafe or disrespected for. If your fellow band members aren't responsive in a way that makes you feel comfortable, you probably don't want to be in a band with them either. A person who lashes out at your choice to say no is not worthy of your time as a creative partner or friend.
I may have regrets about how I handled these hurdles in my past but there should be zero shame in a no. You should never have to be punished for not having a mutual feeling of interest towards someone. Your artistic world doesn't have to end when these band family members betray your trust. The lesson to be learned here is knowing you are better off without a person like that in your life. Creating art should be your safe place. Anyone who challenges or threatens that is a splinter that needs to be pulled, not lived with.
