I Live Inside : Memoirs of a Babe in Toyland

In feminist music circles bands like Bikini Kill get all the attention when it comes to women in music during the '90s. This drives me crazy. There were so many women playing music then who just by existing, putting out records, and touring, were advancing women in music without wrapping themselves into any sort of political agenda. Bands like L7, Velocity Girl, Babes In Toyland, Lunachicks, Superchunk, Hole, Jawbox, Breeders, PJ Harvey, Fire Party, Tsunami, and Babes in Toyland were inspiring to women like me who were not drawn in by the Riot Grrrl movement. I wanted to be like them. I screamed / sang along to their records and I watched them take to the stage with a confidence that at the time, I didn't know was possible. They twisted the idea of what a women could look or sound like. They were not men but they were unlike any women I knew in my life. They played instruments I had never had the opportunity to strum or hit. They were loud, fearless, and this was intoxicating to me coming out of high school. My peers talk about Riot Grrrl bands in the same exact way, but honestly both music scenes helped pave the way and inspire others. I wish the books and film documenting this underground world credited these women in a more balanced way. This is why an entire book written by a musician who didn't have a spotlight on her continuously really intrigued me. I knew very little about Michelle Leon's life up until this point. Babes in Toyland while having a brief rise to popularity never held mainstream interest the way Hole did (thanks Nirvana) and her two bandmates often stole the attention because the focus always falls unfairly on the singer (Kat Bjelland) or the outgoing member (Lori Barbero)

What moves me most Babes In Toyland bass player Michelle Leon's book I Live Inside is how brutally honest it is. As an outsider who looked at their world in awe and wonder, she pulls the curtain back to reveal a very imperfect and emotionally complicated band chemistry. A band projects this illusion of a better, out of this world environment that is easy for fans to want to escape to and get lost in. They are so far removed from the mundane 9 to 5 world of school, desk jobs, and dull responsibilities. From the audience perspective Babes in Toyland was bold, raw, and shared a bond that couldn't possibly be anything less than sacred sisterhood. The truth is that like any family, it was dysfunctional and often chaotic and maddening. It is hard to fathom the real life happening behind the scenes of these songs that are as familiar to me as any photo in my family albums, but the transparency of her words found in this memoir are as as pure as the music she once made. A band's life is a private and I Live Inside reveals many of their secrets.

It was and continues to be a brave thing to join a band and put yourself out into the world for all to hear, see, and judge. You live in three worlds at the same time: the private world that is you outside of the band in the real world, the one that is a member of a band family who spend most of the time off stage in a bubble, and then the band chemistry as musicians who write music and perform it together and this is the facade given to strangers. These world's all affect each other and become a tangled, complicated knot. Michelle Leon moves back and forth between childhood and her time in the band to reveal how these different worlds connect, influence each other, and often clash. Leon moves between the past and present like a masterful storyteller.   

All people carry insecurities yet playing music is one of the few times and places one can feel untethered and free. The weight of the world slips away behind an instrument or microphone. Music offers the unique experience of being able to lose and find yourself all at once. We become the essence of ourselves through music and creating this non tangible version of self becomes addicting. It can feel like a safe place but it is also an easy place to drift off course in. Musicians often end up floating helplessly between between the real world and band world. This is where the story often gets messy. To pin this invisible energy to the page isn't an easy task but I Live Inside rebuilds this journey in a one of a kind way. We travel with Michelle back in forth in time, strapped into the passenger seat unsure of where we might arrive ncxt. Just like music, her book is the safest vehicle to to experience a terrifyingly wild ride without collecting any of the bumps and bruises along the way.

If you are not familiar with the band, here is a top 10 from their catalog to get you started.


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Feminist Friday: A Weekly Round Up

We recently said goodbye to Nadine and the music industry lost one dynamic lady.

This is the most inspiring thing I saw all week.  In an effort to protect themselves from mutilation, abuse, and potentially death by their husband's hands, these Kenyan women have broken off and created their own safe places, all female villages. This short film shows what is possible when we work together and make our lives what we think we deserve. Empowerment, respect, education, control, and enlightenment, these women are remarkable. Warning to those in the work place, there is some tribal nudity.

Grimes says music is a hostile environment for women and discussed male producers in her past that have tried to hold her songs hostage in exchange for sex. 

Thao on Song Exploder explains that even in personal song writing, we still can use a little help from our friends.

You love St. Vincent behind a guitar, how about behind a movie camera of this all female directed and female lead horror film series?

The Julie Ruin is back

Oh man. Remember how excited we were to learn that Furnace Record Pressing had purchased 10 record presses from Mexico, in theory to help get the record pressing industry caught up with the spike in clients trying to press records (around Record Store Day specifically)? Well shit didn't go as planned. Foiled again!

Erykah Badu, what exactly are you trying to say here about young women?

Goodbye Uber, hello Chariot for Women. Meet a new company who will make those late night rides (so common in music) a whole lot safer.

The equal pay gap debate continues.

Afropunk, the movie - you need to watch this documentary.

I recently visited the American Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore (highly recommended and don't miss the best gift shop on the planet) It inspired me to learn more about female outsider artists.

Hip Hop stylist Ian Conner has been accused of rape.

Is critical writing worth death threats? 

Women in music talk about female leadership for CNN with Taylor Brode, Molly Neuman, and Maggie Vail.

And a gift for your ears this weekend - a new PJ Harvey album!

Feminist Fridays : A Weekly Reading Round Up

A famous Polly goes to DC, writes a song about it then her tour guide writes a story about it.

We believe survivors and with a not guilty charge, CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi extends rape culture for another year.

Thank goodness for a feature by a woman at the summer NAMM convention (infamous sausage party) that calls out stupid, out of touch music instrument brands who think it is rock and roll to objectify women. Viva She Shreds Magazine and Lauren for calling out brands for creating sexist products and super sexist marketing techniques. Best quote ever about a power supply names in poor taste Pussy Power : "It more concerns me that than appeals to me honestly."

Sexual assault can happen at any time, anywhere. Kate Nash encourages women to speak up and tell their story.

You had me at art show featuring an archetypal punk doll house .

Six gifted black female MCs just opened for Chuck D and I am so pleased this news is being reported on. Get to know Set it off Cypher.  

A conversation with female A&R reps, sorry Apple music, women have a great ear for finding and signing new talent. And speaking of technology, learn how it is failing women.

I grew up with one role model and that is Laura Ingalls Wilder, yes the very same woman behind Little House on the Prairie. I am pretty darn excited to learn that the actress who played her on the television show, Melissa Gilbert, is running for congress.

This week I learned about an islamic Turkish feminist cult whose female members are called Kittens and look more plastic than the Kardashian family. Thanks Vice for blowing my mind and showing me chair dancing 2.0. "It feels like someone rubbed crayon all over my face."

The past is filled with women who are rebels and there is a fantastic video series entitled Ordinary Women: Daring to Defy History to celebrate them.

Azelia Banks has released a new mixtape titled Slay-Z and it can be yours for free.

I don't spend much time exploring all the different aspects of Spotify but I am a subscriber and use it often to listen to new music in an effort to decide if I want to spend the money to purchase it on vinyl. This week I discovered that in celebration of Women's History Month, Hilary Clinton has created a playlist of 30 songs to help smash the glass ceiling. If that doesn't do it for you, you can always check out the Sylvia Plath playlist instead.

My earworm discovery of the week. Mamamoo; Gwen Stefani wishes.

New(ish) Album Alert : Kagoule - Urth

Not to keep dwelling on music from the other side of the pond but my interest was peaked when a friend from Earache Records had told me they signed a tremendous new band but that it was not the kind of music we had grown to expect from them. Them being a record label that has released music by the likes of Carcass, Entombed, and Morbid Angel. He went on to say that I should have a listen and hear for myself why they had to sign them. I get it, I really do.

Kagoule is not a traditional metal band but they are still very heavy. They ka-chug-a-chug-a-chug with a bounce some of us old geezers might recognize from the '90s indie Mid-West scene with Albini at the helm. It takes a special band to blur genre boundaries of a well established heavy metal label roster and special they are.

Urth, the debut by this Nottingham, England trio reminds me of so many great non-traditional heavy bands that are also chunky and technical. Bands like Poster Children, Smashing Pumpkins, Hum, PJ Harvey (early years), and Failure are at the top that list. For those who enjoy weighty, highly volatile Pop songs, this is the band for you.