I Live Inside : Memoirs of a Babe in Toyland

In feminist music circles bands like Bikini Kill get all the attention when it comes to women in music during the '90s. This drives me crazy. There were so many women playing music then who just by existing, putting out records, and touring, were advancing women in music without wrapping themselves into any sort of political agenda. Bands like L7, Velocity Girl, Babes In Toyland, Lunachicks, Superchunk, Hole, Jawbox, Breeders, PJ Harvey, Fire Party, Tsunami, and Babes in Toyland were inspiring to women like me who were not drawn in by the Riot Grrrl movement. I wanted to be like them. I screamed / sang along to their records and I watched them take to the stage with a confidence that at the time, I didn't know was possible. They twisted the idea of what a women could look or sound like. They were not men but they were unlike any women I knew in my life. They played instruments I had never had the opportunity to strum or hit. They were loud, fearless, and this was intoxicating to me coming out of high school. My peers talk about Riot Grrrl bands in the same exact way, but honestly both music scenes helped pave the way and inspire others. I wish the books and film documenting this underground world credited these women in a more balanced way. This is why an entire book written by a musician who didn't have a spotlight on her continuously really intrigued me. I knew very little about Michelle Leon's life up until this point. Babes in Toyland while having a brief rise to popularity never held mainstream interest the way Hole did (thanks Nirvana) and her two bandmates often stole the attention because the focus always falls unfairly on the singer (Kat Bjelland) or the outgoing member (Lori Barbero)

What moves me most Babes In Toyland bass player Michelle Leon's book I Live Inside is how brutally honest it is. As an outsider who looked at their world in awe and wonder, she pulls the curtain back to reveal a very imperfect and emotionally complicated band chemistry. A band projects this illusion of a better, out of this world environment that is easy for fans to want to escape to and get lost in. They are so far removed from the mundane 9 to 5 world of school, desk jobs, and dull responsibilities. From the audience perspective Babes in Toyland was bold, raw, and shared a bond that couldn't possibly be anything less than sacred sisterhood. The truth is that like any family, it was dysfunctional and often chaotic and maddening. It is hard to fathom the real life happening behind the scenes of these songs that are as familiar to me as any photo in my family albums, but the transparency of her words found in this memoir are as as pure as the music she once made. A band's life is a private and I Live Inside reveals many of their secrets.

It was and continues to be a brave thing to join a band and put yourself out into the world for all to hear, see, and judge. You live in three worlds at the same time: the private world that is you outside of the band in the real world, the one that is a member of a band family who spend most of the time off stage in a bubble, and then the band chemistry as musicians who write music and perform it together and this is the facade given to strangers. These world's all affect each other and become a tangled, complicated knot. Michelle Leon moves back and forth between childhood and her time in the band to reveal how these different worlds connect, influence each other, and often clash. Leon moves between the past and present like a masterful storyteller.   

All people carry insecurities yet playing music is one of the few times and places one can feel untethered and free. The weight of the world slips away behind an instrument or microphone. Music offers the unique experience of being able to lose and find yourself all at once. We become the essence of ourselves through music and creating this non tangible version of self becomes addicting. It can feel like a safe place but it is also an easy place to drift off course in. Musicians often end up floating helplessly between between the real world and band world. This is where the story often gets messy. To pin this invisible energy to the page isn't an easy task but I Live Inside rebuilds this journey in a one of a kind way. We travel with Michelle back in forth in time, strapped into the passenger seat unsure of where we might arrive ncxt. Just like music, her book is the safest vehicle to to experience a terrifyingly wild ride without collecting any of the bumps and bruises along the way.

If you are not familiar with the band, here is a top 10 from their catalog to get you started.


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Throw Back Thursday : Pylon

It doesn't get much better than this '80s Athens, Georgia band fronted by Vanessa Briscoe Hay. Their music is like brittle sticks snapping under rhythmic punches. There are guitar melodies but even the vocals accent beats as if they too are a percussion instrument. There is nothing extracurricular about their songs, every note and beat is measured and executed with a dancing precision. Imagine a small and powerful motorboat skidding through choppy, rough waters. This is what their pioneering sound reminds me of.

Their unique version of post punk was inspired by (and peers to) bands like the B-52s, Gang of Four, Television, and Talking Heads but in a decades time would become an influence to the next generations of bands like: R.E.M., Sleater Kinney, Deerhunter, LCD Soundsystem, Wedding Present, Life Without Buildings, Fire Party, and Love of Diagrams to name just a small handful of the artists.